Back in the day men made jokes about marriage being like hell. Yet in recent years another relationship status has trounced matrimony’s fearsome reputation: the friendzone. From what we see on Facebook news feed and what we hear from people, it is one of the foremost evils of this decade. Everyone fears those simple words: “Let’s just be friends”. Tear-stained, people cry out that they have been friendzoned, and are immediately surrounded by sympathetic bystanders: “I know That Feel, bro.” We know That Feel as well, friends. So if you’re depressed because your crush said that she loves you but it’s not like that, and that you are a sibling to her, hear this:
Stop crying, you bleeding fairy. You spent weeks, maybe months, maybe even years, hoping that she’ll feel the same way about you and she doesn’t, but she still wants to be your friend and this is a bad thing? How many friends do you have, that you don’t see the worth of one? If you really love(d) this woman and really cared about her as a human being, then you’d be thankful that she wants to overlook the awkwardness and that she still loves you. Sure, she doesn’t want to take it to the next level with you, but why should she? Isn’t she allowed her own feelings, her own interests? Were you really attracted to the person she is, or some idealised version of her who’d snog you back at the drop of a hat?
Get over it, pal. Realise that if you really were that close to that woman, her leaving your life would devastate you. You want to stay friends. And if you don’t, then she never meant anything to you at all, so what’s the problem? Just move on, you basket.
And an ungrateful self-centred basket you are, our friendzoned friend. Doorknobs nowadays expect to fully lay themselves out to a girl. In essence, they put all of their eggs in one basket without letting the basket know what they are doing. Meet your average girl, our basket, and the friendzoned lad who’s our fertile hen. Henboy here keeps laying eggs inside the basket when the basket is unaware and expects the universe to intervene and let the girl (basket) know what an amazing man he is.
NO
The reason you are friendzoned is the same reason Batman doesn’t get a police badge: He never asked for it. Before you start opening doors and sending cryptic messages to your crush expecting some sort of reciprocation, PangashKhan and I have one piece of advice for you: Get your testosterone levels checked, homeboy. BE A MAN. When you crush on a lady hard, instead of posting John Mayer songs and passively implying that someday she will make a man happy, make her the banana to your monkey. Get to know her, see if she responds well to you and enjoys your presence; if yes, tell her that you like her; if no, tell her that you like her and get rejected any way. Getting rejected teaches you a lot of things, especially when the said lady explains where you messed up. Remember, kids, the world isn’t unfair, your expectations from it are.